Comments: I was born October 21,1969 and raised a JW. I was kind of lucky as a real young child because before the 80's came along in my congregation we had this reform-minded JW for a main elder. We shall call him brother Homes. Brother Homes did a lot of unorthodox things from a non-reformed JW point of view. He would actually design special parts of the meetings for kids, having them come up on the stage and show their drawings and then he would have them sing songs he also through Bible character themed dress-up parties out of his own pocket. Thanks to Brother Homes my past religious upbringing thoughts are partly positive. There are also pleasant memories of my mother reading me stories about Jesus and other Bible stories which had a great positive effect on my spirituality today. I am sorry to say however that these types of pleasant memories would not continue later in connection to my association with the JWs. By 1980 a bunch of pious elders got together and deemed brother Home's ways as too unorthodox and a detour away from more important things and so basically they gave him such a hard time that finally transfered up north. At age 17 I attended the Memorial of the Lord's Evening Meal and heard a really moving talk about the love of Jesus (rare for JW speakers...most of them have a speaker style of actor Ben Stein... Buler?... Buler?... Anyone?... Anyone?...) and at last I became stoked on Jehovah.

So I went through the usual newcomer's over-zealous holy phase and was lead to believe that all the non-JW kids at school were unspiritual and that I must avoid all association with all of them. But who would I be friends with? I tried going to JW social gatherings but all the kids shunned me because I was not giving talks in the ministry school and did not speak of wanting to aspire becoming a pioneer. With none my age, I pick a new JW who was in her early 30's. I thought this would be a great idea and that because she was shy acting, young and new in the truth that she would not be trying to boss me around. At first I was right and she was very kind to me. However, all she ever invited me to do is study and her idea of recreation was sitting in the house and drinking tea. I began to get real lonely and miss companionship with young people who like to do fun and normal things and yet none in the religion seemed to care. Everyone in the congergation would tell me that what mattered was my relationship with Jehovah and not just having fun with people my age. I lost zeal. I still believe in Jah and paradise but came to find the meetings boring and not helpful to my personal relationship with Jah and the same with field service which I never liked or felt spiritually motivated or inspired by.

 

 

Four years would go by before I ever made one single friend. In 1991 two girls moved into my congregation and they made friends with the women I was studing with. The one Cristy was my age and altough she claimed to be a pioneer, she had a hairstyle and dress that was very unorthodox and alternative. I asked the women I was studying with to help me meet her. My study instructor felt this would be a great way to get me to become more theocratic so she agreed. I did not know it at the time, but my study teacher basically asked Cristy to talk me into going out in service and try and talk me into going the ministry school. However, when Cristy and her sister Clara actually met me, they liked me right away.

Cristy asked me to be her service partner and if I would be her workout walking partner since I was all into exercise. I did not like the idea of going out in service but I agreed so that she and the others would think well of me and mainly so Cristy would want to be my friend. Cristy was very spirited and we both had the same since of humor. We became best friends. However, so my study teacher began to get anoyed with me because all this time had passed and I had not made her look like a good Bible teacher by joining the school and giving public talks or being a regular pioneer. One day my study teacher and Cristy and I were studying the Bible when my teacher brings out the book on the WT Society's organization and how it opperates and she says, "Now we are going to more spiritually mature things". To this I said that I would prefer to learn about Jesus or the last days or the Bible. This really p*#**ed her off and she got really mad and said I has a rebellious attitude and that I was not progressing fast enough. She asked me why I had not joined the ministry school and told her that I did not want to do public speaking. This did not set well with her.

 

 

I got really depressed and confused untill I finally told Cristy. She seemed deeply concerned for me and said that say would pray for me for help. Basically, not knowing what to do, she told my study teacher who went nuts and was all like,"Oh,no! Her thinking is apostate!" Without even telling me, my study teacher runs to the elders and tells them, "I must stop my study with Renee! Her additude has turned apostate and she is negative towards the organization!" So basically an elder automatically agrees with her without even asking for my side of the story. It took me an hour before he listened to me and admitted that my teacher jumped the gun. He told me to thank her for all her time spent studing with me and to not speak of the to anyone and so I did as he requested.

My teacher went around saying bad things about me to others in the congergation and still I kept my word and said nothing. When I confronted Cristy over this she got all mad and said, "I will not be dragged into this or take sides!" I said, "Well too bad because YOU already dragged yourself into this." After this Cristy would not talk to me. Her sister was very mad at her and felt that she was treating me unfairly and told her so, but Cristy blew her off as being as "worldly" as me. I did not want to deal with the JW organization anymore, but I had my parents to deal with who were very hardcore about all their kids HAVING to be JWs or else live with the guilt of being bad perents and failing Jehovah. My father and mother thought that the Kingdom Hall was thee answer to EVERY problem in life. When I acted like I did not want to go the Hall my father would VERY mad and call me names and said I had a horrible attitude and he would say I was a stupid ass*#*! I got where I would get up and leave to avoid fighting, but he would follow me. These fights got so bad that I got where I dreaded having to come home.

My father died two summers ago. My mother had the memorial service in the K.Hall. My mother wanted the elder giving the talk for my father to talk about how he did kind things for the neighbors and was well liked by his workmates but the elder told her that he was more concerned with the way my father served the congregation so as to win converts into the truth. My mother got very offended at this until the elder finally came around and agreed somewhat. During the service, however, the elder did an infomercial for JWs by holding up JW tracks and saying, "these are available-just ask a JW." I never went to any K.Hall again nor any other JW functions and I can honestly tell you that I am VERY glad I left JW and felt such an overwelming feeling of freedom.

 

 

Cristy has since left the JW religion but still will not talk to me to this day. However her sister Clara is one of my best friends and she too has left JWs but still maintains a strong spirituality and we write to each other often, we hope and pray for one another. I have another best friend who unfortunately is still in the organization but came to open his eyes to the truth of the JWs' manmade rules. The three of us hold to belief in Jah and in the concept of the restored/renewed earth to come but we now believe that this hope is for ALL God-loving humanity and NOT to only those who are JW, nor do we believe in the WT society's burdensome man-made rules/opions/A.K.A="suggestions". We also reject the concept of male headship. 

Renee Hartley

 

Subj:    **SUBMIT STORY**

Date:    2/10/98 10:15:46 AM Pacific Standard Time

From:     This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Subject: growing up in WT

Comments: Hi, my name is C.C. I grew up in the Watchtower ever since I was a baby. I had one sister, two brothers and two cousins that attended. My mother left the four of us to the custody of my grandparents. And my aunt left custody as well of her two children. My experience is one I wish I never experienced. Abuse started as soon as I was able to walk. I got spanked a lot during Kingdom Hall meetings because either I had to use the restroom, drink of water or because I was restless. I was whisked away by either my uncle or his wife. Around 5 or 6 years old, my grandfather started sexually abusing me, my sister and my cousin. This he did regularly... seemed almost every night. The physical abuse the same... I started lying more just to save my own skin. My uncle did not live with us. But he would do surprise inspections to see whether or not our homework and chores were done. I remember one time that it has been raining for almost a week. My uncle could not go up the hill in his little truck. The day the rain stopped, I knew he was coming. I was hoping he wasn't, but I knew. I quickly ran to the other kids and told them to clean up their room because ____ was coming.

 

 

The three boys listened to me and they cleaned it, but my sister and cousin thought I was lying. It must have been an hour or so because I heard a humming in the distance. It was my uncle. He got out of the car and walked inside. He grabbed a beer and went directly to our room . My sister and cousin didn't pick up their side of the room. He unbuckled his belt and shut the door. I began to cry. I told him that I had picked up my side and did my homework. But he didn't listen. I ran between his legs to reach my grandmother. He tried to hit me with the belt but I already told my grandmother that I had cleaned my room. I was spared. But I heard the screams of my sister and cousin. I have never forgiven myself for that. I should have done something to help them. I was 9 years old, my sister 8 my cousin 6.

Life as a young JW was not pretty. If I wasn't getting spanked by my uncle, my grandfather was enjoying himself by using his three grandaughters. We weren't the only ones that got abused. My two brothers and one cousin had the worst of it. I remember when they didn't get a good progress report. My uncle was working on building an apartment on top of the garage where he and his wife could move in. He took three lassos and a 2x4, and a lamp. All four of them climbed the ladder. The three of us watched in horror on what we saw from the shadow that was cast upon the wall. He tied their wrists above their heads and began hitting them with the board. We cried at the same time, while he was hitting them with the board. I heard this scripture being repeated,. "DON'T SPARE THE ROD." I was a young JW slave.

 

 

Well, my cousin finally told her fourth grade teacher about the abuse. After school as I got home we were whisked away to Northern California. My grandfather did not serve jail time because my aunt labeled me as a "liar." I was the oldest and because of it, they did not let me testify. I was living with my mom, I tried suicide five times. Finally in 1989, I moved to Oregon with my aunt, she married my uncle who grew up as a JW. There I began "deprogramming" sessions. My aunt told my counselor what had happend and protected me from the Trinity issue. She wanted the counselor to teach me more about the bible. This went on for almost a year. I finally moved back to my mother in 1990. Then in 1992 I moved back to my grandparents. I know that may sound insane, but I had no other choice. I missed them greatly. I wanted to accept Christ into my heart. But I didn't know how. It wasn't until 1996 that I met a young man on a Air Force Base that I finally opened up and told me everything. He showed me bible verses about how merciful Jesus is. Then in August of 1996 I accepted him into my life!

and have been happy ever since.

My Uncle died three years ago due to lack of a blood transfusion. I did not attend the funeral or weep. To this day, my grandfather still denies that he has done any wrongdoing.   My brother is still a JW. My male cousin became a Baptist. His sister is an agnostic. MY sister and older brother both became athiests, and my grandmother recently accepted Christ in her life.

Subject: growing up in WT

Comments: I was raised as a good little witness. My mother always took me out in service and we never missed the meetings. I was also abused (physically) by a family friend who was a witness. For the past 10 years we (my mother and myself) have not been to the meetings. The elders would come to our house and one  of them told my mother that we didn't know what problems were, that they had a busted water pipe. My mother was going through such mental problems at that time and none of the so-called brothers or sisters would help us!!!! She is not ready to talk about the subject of leaving the witnesses yet as she is still baptized but hasn't been to the meetings for years. I wish that some one could write and encourage me as I am very troubled by all that has happened.

Subject: growing up in WT

Hello fellow unbelievers and soon to be unbelievers,

I'm very happy to have this chance to share a bit of my story with you. I hope you're not expecting a lot of flames, though, because I've clean run out of negative energy a while ago. I made my exit about a year ago, and I'm proud to tell you that I left by choice. It all went down something like this....

I was raised as a JW in a very small community in Nova Scotia, and my family still practices. I was a straight A student, although very unstable emotionally and immature socially. There were no people my age in the congregation, I didn't have any friends outside so I was a very lonely guy. Then I made my one decision which worked against the pressure of the "Society" and the "elders"; I went to university on almost full scholarships.

At first, this strengthened my faith because I finally made contact with other people my age. But "Satan" threw something my way in the form of a beautiful girl in one of my classes, Kathy. She was well thought out, had a warm voice, and... you get the picture. We kept running into each other, always just exchanging a few words, a few smiles. I would look for her, just to refresh my memory, just to see a smile, everyday.

But I was so strongly conditioned that I never entertained the thought of having a relationship with her, and it never entered my mind to even ask her out. It seemed as remote to me as winning the lottery. I just kept torturing myself, a moth searing its wingtips on the flame.

I started contemplating how my fate had been laid out in front of me. Eventually I would "get to know some one a little better, to determine whether she would make a good marriage mate." And this girl would go shopping for clothes thinking "is this modest?", she would consult with a "mature sister" if I ever brought up oral sex, and would yield to my decisions like a good subordinate "Christian wife" must. We would get married and start either "pioneering" or cranking out "little sheep." Somehow this all held less magic then any one of Kathy's smiles. I pondered what it would be like to live an eternity like this. Or maybe I would get hit by a car and come back after "Armageddon" as one of those things, and end up a trillion year old virgin. OK I can laugh hilariously at it now, but it used to keep me up at night!

I still believed - I just didn't think it was worth the price. Deep down, I felt ashamed of who I was, and the rules I was playing by. I fantasized about having myself disfellowshipped just to get me out. Hiring a prostitute would have killed two birds with one stone, so to speak, but before I had the chance my brother handed me the key that opened my escape door. He asked me "You've been slacking off and you're headed for the inactives list. What are you planning to do?" Thanks bro. On impulse I fired off "I really don't think I'm going to continue." And I've been living the consequences ever since.

I decided to go home to the maritimes and face the music - to confront my parents and lay it on the line, before making it official. I guess one of the main differences in my story is that I wasn't kicked out, so I didn't feel like biting anybody back. I was trying to come to terms with the consequences, and I even burned all my baby pictures to make things disappear. I just didn't have a clue what would happen next, and no friends to support me. I had one aunt here who is an ex-witness, who helped me out, but I still felt overwhelmed.

At that point I came across a book that packed a punch. I was strolling through the bookstore and spotted Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins. I bought it on impulse and started reading it. It was powerful. I started deconditioning myself.

So I went home and confronted my parents with the truth (the real one). I dried my mother's tears, and told them honestly that I was completely proud of my decision, and that I didn't expect them to respect it. I said it was up to them to choose what to do next, but I would be there for them if they need me. I told them that what they had been taught was wrong *for me*, and that I didn't believe any of it. However, if it was all true and "Armageddon" came tomorrow I would stand by my choice. My mother was faced with a major existential crisis. She couldn't admit it to me, but I heard she thinks I was "the best person I've ever been." She was expecting the devil, and I failed her!

I have been in touch a few times with my parents since, and they seem to have gone through nearly as many phases as I have. Now, we seem to be on speaking terms, although that means once for two months. I think the key to our relationship, as they've implied is that I've "made a choice." They can't try to despise me as an "unrepentant sinner" because I didn't go out and "fall prey to Satan." To me, it's all the same whether I opened my heart or I unzipped my pants, but to them I think it makes a difference; it's more as if I've come out "clean." I think deep down, they kind of fancy the thought that at some time in their lives, when they were having doubts, they could have gotten up and walked, and forgotten, but they had each other. Nobody in my family has done what I have.

I want to finish this story with a message of hope. I believed in this religion with my whole heart all my young life, and I still believed when I left. But you must understand how much pain these beliefs will cause if you keep them running in the background of your "normal life." You won't begin seeing the world in a different way, just because you're now part of it. Just reading that sentence probably shook you because they attach a ritual meaning to "the world", and they reinforce and condition it three times a week. Pain and anger will come to you, as it has to all of us. You might feel as I do that your entire childhood was stolen from you. I guarantee you'll have flashbacks. But pouring your energy into hating the Witnesses instead of reinterpreting what has and is happening to you is not the cure.

I also believe that it only takes a long time to heal if you don't have antibiotics. In my experience, some keys to getting on with my life have been - education. Read up on deprogramming and empowering techniques. By all means read Anthony Robbins. It worked for me. Look up Randall Collins' book called Sociological Insight, and read the chapter on "Sociology of God." Trust me on this one!

-to not define yourself as an "ex-JW." Focus on "freespirit" or "new life"

-to connect with other people. New friends eventually mean new conversations, and you'll spill the beans to them. Articulating your thoughts and answering their questions will help sort out your emotions from your memories from the facts, every time.

If you're trying to sort out your thoughts, I'd be more than glad to get in touch. I know that it would have helped me to have experienced help.

Soon, you can see this religion and all your experiences from the outside and interpret them as it serves you best, in the same way they look at society and interpret everything as suits them best and reinforces their belief systems.

I may have lost a lot of family and friends, but I believe I've also gained a lot from the whole trip. I've been told I have a Protestant work ethic :) ,and I have very strong values which I don't intend to question. I understand so much more of my own psychology than my friends do. And I think I understand freedom much better than they ever will. I also know every coffee shop in Montreal that has good bagels on Saturday morning. I think I'm in an almost unique position.

This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Subject: growing up in WT

Comments: Wow, very similar to my childhood. I grew up a JW until I was 16 and left home, it was the only way I could get away. As a child I guess I was the perfect little JW, I guess all little children are that way until they start thinking for themselves and experiencing life for what it is.

When I was in the second grade I started to feel left out because I couldn't interact with the other children during holidays. I finally gave in and participated in an Easter thing, I don't remember exactly what it was except that it involved dressing up as a bunny. I was too scared to go home after school, my mom would see my bunny stuff and spank me(anybody who grew up a witness knows what a witness spanking is all about!!) So I started to walk home instead of taking the bus, to make a long story short I got found out, got in trouble but no spanking but instead a very stern lecture.

The 3rd, 4th and 5th grades were pretty rough on me, I was unable to have any friends at schools because they weren't in the "truth." I wasn't able to relate to the other kids, I didn't go to parties, couldn't play in little league(it was to competitive..never mind that life is competitive!) I couldn't watch cartoons Saturday morning, I had to go Door to Door, which usually meant running into the kids from school which always meant ridicule and being pushed around at school later.

Every six weeks it was report card time. I normally failed alot of classes, whether is was due to the "truth" or not I don't know but it happened. That meant I was going to get a spanking, the severity of the spanking would be determined by the number of bad grades, boy did I get spanked alot....Sometimes my dad, an Elder, would put a number on the amount of "licks" I got with the belt(a witnesses favorite punishment tool). It was very common to get 50 to 100 "licks"I would literally have a black and blue butt from the bruising. My sister and mother would be in their room or somewhere in the house when I was getting spanked. Let me tell you it would be very painful and I would scream bloody murder. I always wondered what my sister thought when I was screaming?

One time my dad made me walk home from school as he whipped me from behind counting every lick, in full view of everybody. This alone would put a parent in jail for a long time nowadays but not to mention the mental abuse this caused.

The sixth grade is when things started to really change. I couldn't have hair below my collar, couldn't join football, track or any other sport. I joined the chess club but missed to many matches because I has to go to the book study, the Hall, of something else related to the truth. The grades got worse and so did the spankings. I couldn't associate with the other students, they weren't in the truth! So when it came time to fall in with the certain classes of kids there are in school, there was no place to go. I should mention at this time that my dad was the presiding overseer at this time.

By the 7th grade I was searching for a identity and a sense of belonging, I fell into the group commonly known as the freaks. I started to explore sex, drugs and rock and roll. I was not the only one. A lot of the witness kids I hung around with were in the same boat as I was. Some of us started to smoke pot together and since I didn't care if I got caught anymore it was logical that I supply everyone...more trouble.

I started to like girls, especially naked ones, my parent were always finding pornographic material in my room...more bruises.

High school. I started to use drugs more often before school. I was stoned during most of the day, my mother started to work so there was more time to party. I even went to some meetings stoned, that was a trip! Some of my witness friend kept going back and forth praising me condemning me. People were getting disfellowshipped, people I had know all my life, mostly adultery and fornication and a few for homosexuality. Go figure huh? JW's are a horny lot.

A new family of witnesses moved to the area and joined the congregation. They had 2 daughters who where very beautiful, see where this is going? I started to take a class at school called Human Relations, the New Model Me it changed my life forever. It taught me that I was somebody and that I could have self esteem and alot of it too!

All of this in High School happened over a 1 1/2 year period, in between all this there was trouble with my parents due to my grades, my drugs use, the elders etc..My parents tried to have me arrested for pot possession. I started to steal from my parents for drugs. I was physically hit in the face a few time, bloodied a couple of times. So I started to stand up for my self, and why not? was I going to be pushed around all my life? well not anymore. The last time my father went to hit me I stood up and let it be known that I would not just let it happen. He hasn't touched me since.

I was being blamed for the family problems. My parents thought about divorce, my dad stepped down as the presiding overseer, my mom was having a breakdown all because of me. There were meetings with Elders and I started to date this new girl at the Hall. With this new found self esteem I had decided I was going to be my own man. It took one date to find out that this witness girl was just like me, liked to party and into sex. Well we got pretty involved a few times but never had intercourse, came pretty close though!

I quit school, got a job and started work. After a couple of weeks my parents decided they wanted to charge me rent. I was dumbfounded, rent? their own son? they didn't need it, they do quite well and are pretty savvy when it comes to money. So I countered that if I was paying rent then I should be able to do what I want in my room, a landlord tenant type of thing. Well that didn't go over good, so I moved out and haven't given a damn for Jehovah Witnesses since.

I get along with my parents now, quite well. They have since disassociated themselves from the congregation as well as my sister. Despite what has happened in my life, much more than I've written here, I have know regrets. To this day though I believe very sincerely that the Jehovah Witnesses are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites, they are haughty and self righteous. They abuse their children physically and mentally. Now, i did put my parents through some terrible stuff but not like the beating i endured. I won't go any further as it could get quite lengthy. I encourage all JW children and teenagers to make up thier own mind on what they should call the truth, to resist any organized religion and to stand up for themselves. BTW i'm a 34 year old male.

MAG

I was baptized along with my Mother and Dad in 1958 at the age of 11. The oldest of three girls, we were fortunate enough to have great parents and a wonderful childhood, full of love, hugs, laughter, lakes, pets, family and friends.

My Dad served as a loving elder for many years, caring for all those in the   congregation he cherished; but his family always came first.  A long time after all us kid's were grown, he still had his priorities straight, and was eventually removed as an elder, because of it.

My Mom got sick.  At the time, Dad held several positions in the congregation which took a lot of time. Although he led his group in service most Saturdaysand some Sundays, he only stayed out about an hour because he didn't want toleave Mom at home by herself, for to long.  The Circuit Overseer came and Dad was told, he had to be above 10 hours to set a good example.  There were articles in the literature that "said" there were no time quotas anymore and servants may, at times, have little service to report due to extenuating circumstances.  But it became a pride issue with the Circuit Overseer.  When brothers in the congregation said, "But, you can't do this," his reply was, "you have no idea ... how much power I have."  My dad was removed, but the letter removing him was never read to the congregation. None of the elders in the congregation would read it.

Loosing a position, didn't bother him, "I'm happy to help if I'm needed and if not, that's OK too."  But, many mourned the loss of my father's presence on the  body of elders.  Several of the other elders, now grown children, privately told me,  that my dad was the closest thing, they had ever had to a dad. Dad never said anything, but I knew it had to hurt in a way, because he was doing all that was humanly possible and his offering was still considered, unacceptable.

That episode, although unspoken, was painful for all of us, because we were again reminded that the measure of a Christian ... according to our religion, was reflected not in the abundance of the love and faith in his heart ... but by the numbers on his publishers record card.

When I started to have serious doubts and questions, at nearly 50 years old, my trusted parents were the first ones I went to for counsel.  Mom, Dad my husband  and myself, reasoned and worked as a family team, to find out the truth about the WTBTS.      

When we realized they were not the "bride of Christ, our spiritual mother" but in reality "false prophets," all the abuse we witnessed and suffered through the years, at their hands, made perfect sense. 

We walked away together, last year.

Love,

Lynn

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